Saturday, August 1, 2015

The First Two Weeks




On the evening of Friday, June 26, 2015 our sweet and spunky daughter Libby drowned at home. She was rushed to the ER where they were able to restart her heart. From there she was transferred to the Children's Hospital. But the prayers for a physical healing were not going to be answered in the way we thought best. God, who we felt so closely present through every minute of this ordeal, had a grander plan. Our Libby died at 1 a.m. on Sunday, June 28, 2015. She was surrounded by so many friends and family. She was 20 months and 3 weeks old. She was feisty, inquisitive, independent, funny, compassionate, and loving. She adored her big brother, Max (10) and her big sister, Kaia (8). We all adored her right back. Oh, she was so loved!

In the time since Libby's death we've ached and hurt, fought and rejoiced. So many ups and downs! And when a family is grieving, you have to go through it individually and as a whole. We have certainly learned a lot about this new way of life we never wanted. But through it all, God continues to be present, continues to reveal Himself and glimpses of the greater  plan He has in store for us. That doesn't make losing Libby okay and we know His heart breaks right along with us as we grieve. But He is using her life to touch so many more people, and isn't that something all parents wish for their children (and even themselves)? That their lives will make a difference, that the world will be a better place because they were in it. Libby's life may have been short, but she has had a huge, lasting impact on our family, and we have seen so much evidence of the difference she's making with people who knew her or even just heard about her.

While we were in the hospital, social media was a real blessing. Large groups of people could be kept up-to-date by me or someone else. One of my sources of comfort at night when I couldn't sleep was reading the messages of love and sadness, encouragement and prayer. It was a surprising buoy that supported me by hundreds more people than could have happened otherwise. Thank you to all of you who have helped keep me and my family afloat, wherever you are. Here are some of the updates I shared of our journey, in chronological order, starting at the beginning:

Facebook post, June 27, 2015: I don't have a lot of time now, but thank you for all your prayers. They are felt and they are humbling. God has been so good through all of this, his faithfulness evident. Recovery is not the miracle we'll be getting tonight, but I know God does miracles and has other miracles in store for our family in the coming days, weeks, months. Right now please just pray fervently that she can be an organ donor, that would give us much comfort and is not a given in the current circumstances. Thank you for continuing with your prayers!!!

Facebook post, June 28, 2015:



This is the verse I was grasping for at the first hospital and the words that have brought me the most comfort since. Since the beginning of time God knew Libby would be and that these would be the number of her days. What a wonderful and gracious God that he would let her be ours for each one of those precious days.

(I had started to do some simple Bible journaling just one month before Libby's accident. This entry was done in the early morning hours when I couldn't sleep. I sat and read Facebook messages of love and prayers and I got into art and the Word and it was well with my soul, I found peace in those moments. This was the last journaling entry I would do in my "old" Bible. After this one, for some reason, I just couldn't add anything else.)



Facebook post, June 29, 2015:




God could not be in this with us more. A dear friend just found this on her bookshelf where it had been sitting for over 10 years. Words just fail me. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

And look what someone found inside the book!


(A friend commented that if we looked hard enough we would probably find Kaia's name too. :))


Facebook post on June 29, 2015: Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes today. It was a surprisingly good day, which I had not expected. I was constantly surrounded by loved ones who cared for me and my family with the amazing gifts God had given each one of them.

Call it mother's intuition, peace from God, but I remember driving to CHOC in the ambulance on Friday and I knew Libby wasn't going to make it. Even then I said a prayer asking that she could die on June 28. With Kaia's birthday on the 27th and mine on the 29th, sweet Libby would just be nestled in between us and we could celebrate her heavenly birthday along with our earthly ones. I hoped that in the years to come these three days would be a celebration for us. What's amazing is we actually got small bits of celebrations on all three days this year, which I would have never fathomed possible. Further proof of God's enduring love for us.





 Somehow on the evening of June 28th we were able to gather friends and family to go to Build-A-Bear to celebrate Kaia's birthday. I thank God for whatever He put in us that night to make that (barely) tolerable. Because when you are turning eight, and you have just lost your best playmate, you need some good friends and some big distractions. Your little heart just can't handle that much heartbreak.

Facebook post on July 4, 2015: A couple of people have asked about whether we were able to donate Libby's organs and I thought I'd share a bit about our last night in the hospital with her.

Even though I've always been a strong supporter of organ donation, the idea of donating Libby's didn't hit me until late Sat afternoon. We immediately got the ball rolling, but found out quickly that we were up against the clock. It typically takes about 24 hours to go through all the steps to make an organ donation happen. We probably had three hours at best. But all the staff knew how much we wanted that to happen for our little girl, and they made it their mission to keep her body going so donations could be approved and arranged (none of this was causing her any pain). The organ team brought in extra of their best people, trying so hard to work against the clock, late into that Sat night. But eventually we had to accept that her body just wasn't able to go on anymore and we needed to cease our efforts.



If she had been able to donate her organs she would have immediately been carted away to an operating room to begin the very time-sensitive removal procedures. But instead, God gave us time to say goodbye to her. The heartbroken nurses and doctor lovingly removed tubes and wires and cleaned her up and we all got to hold her and talk to her. Our extended family was there in the room with us. The window to the adjoining room showed a space full of the people who love us and Libby. Our small group was there, Kurt's men's bible study group was there, other friends as well. They continued to hold vigil for us into the early morning hours as we said our goodbyes. As we held her, we were sharing some of our favorite Libby memories and we were actually able to laugh in those moments, remembering her antics and the times we'd had together as a family of five. It was yet another one of the holy moments God had given us in those past couple days, to be able to celebrate her life as we were so completely surrounded by the love and prayers of some of the people closest to us.



Part of the reason I'd wanted the organ donation to work was purely selfish. I wanted to someday meet a person who was literally carrying a small piece of my daughter inside themselves. I wanted a family of a small child to be so grateful that Libby had lived because it meant that their sick child could now be healthy. I wanted her life to have made a lasting difference. But God's plan is perfect. Her organs were not needed that day but that last hour our family had to be together was so holy and precious, I know that was His gift to us.



And after this week, where I have seen her story reach around the world and touch people, where friends and strangers are realizing the glory there is in God's plan and faithfulness, I am no longer concerned about her legacy. The book of her life may have been a short one, but it was a great story and we are already seeing how her life is now continuing on as it intertwines itself into the stories of people near and far. We will keep telling her story and invite you to do the same. To God be the glory, forever and ever!






Facebook post on July 16, 2015: There's nothing like a crisis to either break a family apart or draw them closer together. Thankfully, God has been drawing us closer to each other as we learn how to do life without our Libby girl. Last week Kurt and I celebrated our 14th anniversary. How thankful I am these days for this great man that God saw fit to give me, knowing we would have to be going through this dark time together. I wanted to share with you the beautiful words Kurt wrote for his eulogy. My sweet husband, with his fear of public standing-in-front-of-people, spoke so beautifully on his daughter's behalf. So in love with this man.

I am Libby’s father, Kurt, and I want to thank you all for being here.

Last Sunday, the day Libby went to the Lord, Pastor Jim Miller mentioned the church as the arms of Christ and I understood without a shadow of doubt the message he conveyed because our family was living it out. We were being gathered in the warm embrace of those very arms and drawn in close to the body of Christ. The love and support has been unwavering, unrelenting, overwhelming and fearless, much like my daughter Libby. From the time this tragedy unfolded to the present, Christ’s presence has been constant.

He has been in our midst through a group of men who hold a bible study in a bar, a small group “doing life together” and their small group cousins, close friends, as well as my fellow special agents who performed their most special operation of all, standing watch over us all.  They were all gathered together in a hospital emergency room or a pediatric intensive care unit, holding us close until Libby departed this world, surrounded by the people she loved most and held dear to the end.
At our home a group of women from iMOMS and women’s bible study worked long hours with the quiet fervor, reverence and perseverance of cloistered nuns (I have a Catholic upbringing so some of you will understand the allusion). They lovingly blessed our home with cooking, cleaning, fresh decorating, and love. As Erika’s sisters have said, “They make me want to be a church lady.”
All the faith, love, and hope continues to be a reassuring presence and an ever-constant reminder that we are not alone, we are not abandoned, and we are not forsaken, for in this broken world Christ is embodied in the church, and the church is holding us in its arms. I’d like to sum this up with a quote from Jerry Sittser’s book, A Grace Disguised, "Remember blood is thicker than water but faith is thickest of all”.

Personal note:
I want to encourage you join a small group a bible study or become involved in one of the ministries here at Glenkirk or whatever church you call home. Go out and touch someone’s life as Libby has touched so many lives. Go forth today and celebrate, because that’s certainly what Libby would be doing. She was our little firecracker, so tonight, and in the years to come, always remember her and God’s faithfulness when the skies light up with fireworks.