On
Libby's second birthday, October 4, I woke up to the sounds of a
downpour. Never mind that we had 200 balloons ready to launch or a trip
to the beach planned for that day. When you live in drought-ridden
southern California, you can't help but be happy about the sound of
anything wet falling from the sky. Plus, Libby herself would have been
thrilled with the rain, running out to jump in puddles with Max and Kaia
until she got tired and would then just plop her diaper butt right down
in the middle of one. So while I knew the rain meant we wouldn't be in
the field as planned for the balloon release, I was content as I did my
morning devotion to the sound of the rain. As one would expect in this
part of the country, the rain didn't last long and we were left behind
with a cool, gray day, which was a nice break from the high summer temps
we continue to have well into October. We got ourselves ready, added
jackets, packed the car, and headed to church.
Your
daughter should be with her family on her second birthday. There's no
way around that. Heaven is wonderful beyond imagination, and God's
faithfulness continues, but even knowing these things does not take away
from my human heart wanting my daughter here.with.me on her second
birthday.
We
were not supposed to be doing a party today. I had done the obligatory
big first birthday party. Not so much because I wanted to, but because I
had photographic evidence of doing them for Max and Kaia and didn't
want my third child seeing such a blatant example of how the later
children get short-changed. (Of course, now I am ever so grateful I did
that party. I loved it, we have great memories from that day. I didn't
know it would be the only party I would get to do for her.) No, I
thought of second birthdays as the sweet spot between the first birthday
and the third or fourth birthday. They haven't started preschool yet,
so don't have a bunch of friends to whom to send reciprocal birthday
invitations. They don't have a frame of reference for knowing how fun
parties are and how many presents there can be. No, second birthdays are
meant to be small, minimal effort affairs. A cake, maybe, a gift from a
doting grandparent. You really don't need more than that. But instead,
Libby is having a delightful time in heaven while an amazing group of
friends here on Earth plan and execute all the details for a birthday
celebration she is unable to attend. Because way worse than planning a
birthday party is planning one for your daughter who died 15 weeks
before she turned two. Emotionally and mentally I was unable to give
much attention to the details of these events and I am so grateful for
friends and a community who loved us enough to make this happen and then
also came out to celebrate her, letting us know she is not forgotten,
but still in the hearts of many. And you know what? I loved this day. I
have wonderful memories from this day. The days before were
heart-wrenching and the days after continue to be challenging, but in
that emotional sandwich, I'm so thankful for such a sweet filling. Let
me tell you about it.
