Everything has not been awesome. I'm not sure where to start since there are probably at least two entries I should have written before this one. But I'm still trying to have grace for myself with all my shortcomings, which seem to be increasing exponentially these days. Instead of beating myself up for all that I haven't done, maybe I'll try patting myself on the back for seizing this moment of willingness to write instead.
Let's see if I can sum things up really quickly here. I had been dreading the anniversary of Libby's death for the past five months. In what seems to be a recurring pattern, the days before and after the big day/holiday were awful, but the day itself was quite decent and nice in many ways. Kaia's birthday was the day before Libby's anniversary, mine was the day after. I think I can safely say that Kaia had a great birthday celebration this year which was really important after all the trauma associated with her birthday from last year. So that was huge. Thank you, God! My birthday was quiet which was good after getting through the anniversary the day before. We got yummy sushi with some friends that night and that was good. So we had survived the three days for the first time. No small feat, that's for sure.
But there's also no rest for the weary. One week after my birthday it was our 15th wedding anniversary. This was the first year where I really understood how you could forget such an important date. I would have been very happy to just forego the whole thing. That's no reflection on my marriage. I'm so relieved I'm in this with Kurt. That as hard as it all is, I can count on him and on us. But I did not want to have to acknowledge another big day. I didn't want to celebrate, I just wanted to find an oblivion. However, Kurt wanted acknowledgement of our 15 years and Grandma freely offered up babysitting services for the night, so we were going out.
No, things did not really turn around. We didn't end up having a super, fun, romantic evening.
But it was somehow right and real anyway.
I started crying during dinner when a dad carried in his little girl. Kurt was about to do the same. We walked around a farmer's market afterwards, holding hands, but having a hard time being interested in anything. All day long I'd been trying to think of something doting to write him on Facebook or in a card, but no words really came until that evening together. I never got the Facebook post written or a sweet card done, but this is something like what I told Kurt that night:
Sometimes it's just going to be about survival. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. We have been through the wringer this year. But somehow I think we're actually closer than we were before this nightmare began. We've heard scary statistics about how as many as 90% of marriages will end in divorce after the loss of a child. But we have continued to fight for us. We have continued to say that divorce is not an option, so then it doesn't even become part of the discussion. And bonus: we both still want to be married to each other! Some years that could have been up for debate. But we have not given up. We have survived this year. We are battered, bruised, and battle-weary, but we're still here, leaning on one another to stay standing. There will be years that are more joyous and celebratory and I certainly look forward to those. But tonight, it is good for us to take the time to quietly and simply acknowledge all that we've been through and realize we're ready to do whatever comes next together. Sometimes just surviving is a really big, brave deal.
After our anniversary we were busy with trips and travelling which was all lovely and fun and relaxing. But then we came home about two weeks ago and everything was awful. We learned very early on last summer that a change of scenery is a very healthy thing when grieving. It was always so good to get away. You didn't forget, but the triggers were not so constantly in your face. The only problem was (and it's a big one): we always had to come back. So we also learned that the transition to coming home was rarely an easy one. This summer it seemed worse than ever though. Not only was Libby's absense at home so deeply felt, but the kids and I had come back on our own while Kurt went back east for work, so we were missing him and feeling the added emptiness so acutely.
On top of that, I had the new school year looming. The year that Libby would have been going to preschool, getting to be big just like her brother and sister. What would her language be like now? What new things would she be able to do? What myriad of information would have been revealed about her if she had lived this past year? Now I also need to wrap my brain around Max and Kaia going back to school. I would get overwhelmed just thinking about the homework, all the details to keep track of, all the activities we have to sign up for and then drive to, just a stunning amount of responsibility that is involved with going back to school, for parents and kids alike. It all just continues to be overwhelming.
