Thursday, November 26, 2015

Beauty for Ashes

This isn't the blog post that first started rolling around in my head. I was playing around with a more acerbic title. Something like, "Buying Your Daughter's Urn." I know. There was a story there and that story will still be here, but over the last few days, God has made it so much more, has given me another gift in the reminder of His presence. There are really two stories here. One abour buying Libby's urn and one about three words that have been following me around these past five months. Before there was no real connection between these little stories, but how God has brought them together has filled me with awe, again, at His love and awareness of me.

I'll start with what might have been called Buying Your Daughter's Urn, because when you lose your little girl, these are the things you suddenly have to think about. I had wondered, in spare moments over the years, whether I would want to be cremated or buried. I never really came to any conclusion. Pros and cons on both sides, but either way, you're still dead. I had thought that I should ask my husband what he would want for himself, but that seemed too difficult, so I skipped that one as well. I figured we still had a lot of time to figure these things out. Not once did I ever think about what I would do if it was one of my kids. But when we were suddenly having to decide what to do with Libby's body, there was no inner debate. Cremation was the way to keep her at home with us. It was in the worst way possible, but it seemed a small comfort over having her far away at a cemetery. And after having spent my life moving on a regular basis, I couldn't handle the thought of one day just leaving her here, a plane ride away. Maybe these decisions shouldn't matter so much. I know in the core of my being that she is in Heaven and is doing awesome. She is my one child I don't have to worry about anymore. But when we lost Libby so suddenly, I just needed to have her at home and close, in whatever way I could.

There's a little nook in the hallway where all our bedrooms are,
so she still has her little space.
I didn't buy Libby's first urn. The easiest way to handle that would have been to buy something when we were at the funeral home making arrangements. The problem there is that everything is crazy expensive and just downright ugly. Angels and lambs and chintz. Just No. So my best friend Erin and her husband went to Target and bought a simple gray canister with a wooden lid. It was meant to be temporary, but I liked it and figured it would be with us a long time.

But then three weeks after Libby died, Kurt and I flew to Montana to visit my grandparents. It was a trip I was supposed to have made with Libby. (You can read about it here,) Montana has always been so special to me. Libby is actually named after the town where my mom grew up and where I would spend summers with my sweet grandparents. Our first morning in Kalispell a craft fair full of Montana artisans opened in the park across from our hotel. One of the first booths we came to had this gorgeous pottery I just fell in love with. I made a purchase and we moved on. But suddenly the idea struck that we should ask this artist, Theresa Gong, to make Libby's urn. She was lovely and kind and we were able to pick a number of different Libby-themed elements to include in the design. I had known that when it came to finding Libby's permanent urn that I would just "know" and that was exactly what happened.

The second part of this story was not something I ever thought would be part of a bigger, blog-worthy story. Just a little footnote in my own mind, something recorded in my Bible for my own benefit.


The day after Libby's funeral I sat in the church service weeping as the band played a song called Beauty for Ashes by Chris McClarney. My heart just broke some more and I prayed that those promises of God would be fulfilled. I had ashes in the most real, literal sense of the word. And I yearned to see beauty come from this great, gaping pain. I needed assurance that there would be some beauty in the long-term, big-picture of things. Beauty for ashes. I know it's not a fair trade by any means, but Jesus clearly isn't concerned about things being fair. We have the cross as evidence of that. That's His promise to us in Isaiah 61:3. To give us a crown of beauty instead of ashes. And we all have, and will become, ashes. There's only one real source for Beauty.

So these are the words that have been following me around. After Libby died I was using bible journaling as a way of working through my grief, engaging in therapeutic creativity, and mostly as a way of spending time with God. These verses from Isaiah have been on my jounaling to-do list almost from the beginning. But the close-to-my-heart verses are often the toughest, because I want to get them just right. I want the art to be beautiful, I want the verses to be as special on my page as they are in my heart. That's a lot of pressure! And that's why these verses don't get done for months at a time.

There were so many nudges from God. The verses would turn up in devotions, the song kept popping up at church. I looked on Pinterest to get some ideas. And I did get ideas... they were just all beyond my artistic capabilities and I was so scared of messing it up so I did nothing. The song played at church again this past Sunday. On Monday I was working through an amazing book/devotional called Writing in the Margins. One journaling prompt gave four choices of verses to dig into. Without looking in my Bible I eliminated three of the choices for various reasons and turned to the last option. Of course it was my beauty for ashes verses, Isaiah 61:1-6. But this time I decided to face it, to just start writing in my Bible. (I was immediately planning that I would find a beautiful image online that I could print on cardstock and put in my Bible to cover my notes so that there would still be beauty on this special page of mine.)

When I'm teaching people about Bible journaling, I always tell them to write the date on their entries. (I also tell them that the art is not important, it's the time spent with God that counts. If only I'd been practicing what I preached, huh?) Well, as I went through these 6 verses line by line I felt like I needed a stopwatch to record the minutes and seconds of revelation. Almost every line seemed to hold personal significance. I could feel my soul just filling up, excitement as I realized how these words were from Him, to me, for this very moment. Looking back, I'm not really sure why Libby's urn (which hadn't even arrived yet) was on my mind at all, but when I came to the line "to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes" it suddenly hit me. Libby's urn was our literal beauty for ashes. That would be the art that graced this page of my Bible.

But I was only halfway through my verses and God wasn't quite done yet. I kept making notes and saw through His words how He has already been so faithful in keeping His promises to us, for giving us so much hope and comfort. "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me," connected me right back to Acts 1:8, "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you and you will be my witnesses." I journaled this page early on, because this is what I felt had happened from the moment I found Libby in the pool. God's gift to me was the presence of the Holy Spirit, and now He was reaffirming that gift to me. "That He may be glorified," this is what we pray will happen through Libby's story! "Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks." Oh my goodness! This feels like what we've been living! So many friends and loved ones have been caring for us, but the role of strangers has been shocking and humbling, and beautiful (again, out of the ashes). As I studied the Word, God just kept unfolding things for me, as if these words written thousands of years ago were just meant for me. [Please know this is not how my daily devotions normally go. (And daily is the ideal, not always the reality.) I struggle to stay connected. I'm just seeking and needing to find and He is there waiting for me when I put the time in.]



By the time I was done with these six verses, I knew I had met God on the page, in the margins of my Bible. And I realized that there was nothing more beautiful to me. There was no artwork that could match that. When I look at this page I am immediately taken back to that connection I felt with God, a beautiful assurance of all that He has promised each of us. Libby's urn arrived the next day and it is beautiful. We opened the box as a family. We haven't transferred the ashes yet, and those will be some difficult, real moments. I'm going to put a small picture of her urn in the upper right corner of my Bible page. God makes such big promises to us and He keeps them all. And then He cares enough to give us extra, sometimes in an urn by a Montana artist who used the gifts God gave her to give us more beauty for ashes.

Here are some photos of Libby's urn. The sword and shield represent the meaning of her name, God's promised armed warrior, which was a surprisingly fitting name for such a little girl. The moon and stars that Oma would take her out to look at. The birds that she and Daddy would see at the bird feeders. The la-los (flowers) she loved to go and pick from neighbors' yards. The lizards she would chase around our yard. Water at the bottom, because despite her ending, she spent her life loving all things water.

13 comments:

  1. I can see your beautiful soul. God's blessings.

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  2. Such an amazing story, Erika. It is beautiful to see the details in God's plan unfold. And a blessing to all of us that you recognize it in the midst of heartache and share it with your gift of words.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and writing, Katie.

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  3. May His grace continue to bless you as you share this very difficult journey.....you have been given the heart to see beauty and goodness

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    1. Thank you so much, Connie. I just pray that I can continue to see the beauty and goodness. It would be too much otherwise.

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  4. This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I want you to know that you totally got me into Bible journaling. I've bought a journaling bible, supplies and I LOVE it so much. Nothing sweeter than letting his word wash over us and reveal new insights to us. I'm so thankful for an added texture to help make his word stick in my heart and soul. Thank you. I love Libby's urn. It is simply beautiful and I love the symbolism.

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  5. I am so excited for you, Melody! :) It is just an amazing way to connect with God and His Word. I did my very first page exactly one month before Libby died. God knew how much I was going to need that.

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  7. Your words are so inspirational. God is indeed alive & well in his people on earth. We are so blessed with Christian friends & strangers that enter into our daily lives and at moments when we need them most. We truly are brothers & sisters in Christ! Sending our love to you all. Mama Nepodal

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  8. Your words are so inspiring. We walk together as brothers and sisters in Christ and they are there when we need them most. Always ready to lift us up, hold our hands, give us the gentle loving hugs, take time to pray for us and care for us. Sending our love & prayers to you all.

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  9. Thanks so much, Mama N. Can't wait to give you a hug in a couple weeks. <3

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