Libbypops 2.0

It is not easy to make plans for the anniversary of your daughter's death. In our family we each want and need very different things as we look forward, with dread, to that coming day.

Kurt would like it to be a day for family, a small intimate gathering.

Max wants a bunch of kids there who we don't know: his friends from grief camp, because those are the kids who will truly get how he's feeling that day.

I think Kaia basically wants to have fun and for everybody to be happy. But if they're not, she'll be ready with hugs for them- and will likely end up needing some for herself.

Me? Well, I want everybody and their mother there. You said a prayer for us? You wrote a nice comment on Facebook? You don't know us, but Libby's story touched you? I may not know you, but you are important to me and I want you there.

And the thing is, all of us are right. These desires make sense. Unfortunately, they are not at all compatible, as luck would have it, which is why we were less than a week away from the anniversary and we still had no plans on how to honor and remember that day of days. The other issue, of course, is that it's just so dang hard to even talk about. We're not planning a party here. It's very painful to put ourselves back a year ago. It helps to attempt these conversations during therapy. It's good to have a mediator who is not so raw from running on emotional fumes most days.

A couple weeks ago I had my breakthrough in a counseling session with Kurt. We were talking about what we needed for that day. I delved deeper, because, let's face it, as a lifetime member of the Introverts Club (where we meet individually and don't talk about things), when do I ever want everybody and their mother around? It was a bit out of character. And with a crushing wave of emotion, I finally realized what it was I really needed.

I need to know that Libby made a difference. I need to know that her life mattered, that all this excruciating heartache we've been through has not been for naught. 

I want the world to be a better place because she was in it. 

And yes, she is all those things to our family, without a doubt. But I'm greedy and I want more. That little circle of us is just too small. I want her to be bigger. I can't have that physically, so I'd like to have it figuratively.

I came to the realization that I would be totally fine all by myself on her heaven day if I could have evidence of the difference she made. And that's when the wheels started turning.

I do know that Libby's story has touched so many of you.Your messages, comments, encouragement, all of it just means the world to me. So I thought, let's put some Libby-inspired goodness out into the world.

When Libby died the outpouring of love was beautiful, cathartic, and buoyed us through the hardest of times. One of the early tributes for her was an anonymous donation of five scholarships to the Village of Hope School in Haiti. That changes the world! Do you get what a huge difference that makes for those five kids? I love it! Another family saved their coins all year and then donated a goat, in Libby's memory, to a family in need through Compassion International. More lives changed! People I didn't even know used their artistic gifts to create precious Libby keepsakes. There were days where I knew I was being prayed for and I could tell that it was making a difference. What can you do to make someone smile like Libby on a swing? Big or small didn't matter, people were using the gifts God had endowed them with and as a result, the world was made better for the recipients of their actions.

So, if you would like to join me, let's put some good, some beauty, some kindness and joy out into the world in memory of Libby. Use your talents, whatever they may be, to do something you wouldn't be doing otherwise, something extra. Push yourself a little to see where you're being led. Maybe we'll even get pushed out of our comfort zones a bit. Anything could happen! It's gonna be wild! :)

I was trying to come up with a name for this effort, another hashtag perhaps. If you'll remember, we did #libbypops at Halloween and I was blown away by how many of your participated in that honoring of our girl. She did love her pops! Then I thought, why not just stick with #libbypops? Every act we do in honor of Libby is a little bubble-pop of kindness going into the world. I picture the Earth with little pink "pops" all over it and it warms my heart. We can share ideas and then also share about the "pops" we've done to keep inspiring one another. Just be sure to use the libbypop hashtag! Maybe I'll really get on the ball and make a Libbypop Facebook group.

And as this idea spreads to our friends and neighbors, let this mission be not just to honor Libby but for all those who have lost someone special too soon. You may be reading this and have no idea who Libby is. That's okay! Is there someone you want to honor? Someone who made your world better, and you would like to spread that joy to others? Then "pop" some love out there for them and then tell us about it!

If you're feeling motivated to do some "pops" of the monetary version and would like to support a Libby cause, I'd recommend the following:

Libby loved all things water, so we love the idea of providing clean drinking water where it is needed. You can make a donation here.

Last April Max and Kaia got to go to grief camp through Comfort Zone Camps. It was just what they needed in their grief journey and its value can not be overstated. Our family will be running/walking in the Grief Relief 5K in October to help raise money so that camp, which is completely free for its participants, can be available to those that need it. We would love to have you join our team, the Libby Loggers, or make a contribution to this worthy cause.

Libby Loggers

Facebook post from June 22, 2016

You guys, I am excited! Remember when Max and Kaia went to the great grief camp back in April? Well, that organization is hosting a Grief Relief 5K on October 15 and we are going to do it! When the kids went to camp we did not have to pay a penny. No one does. They didn't even ask for a donation. This is a camp for absolutely anyone that needs it and I want to make sure that kids who need it are able to go.

If you know me well, you know that I hate running. With a bit of a passion. I was probably in middle school the last time I dragged myself through a 5K. My sweet husband says I can use a scooter if my current plans of learning how to run fall through over the next few months. It would be so fun if some of our friends would come and do this with us! You can still register at the discounted rate of $25/adult and $10/kid, but that price will be going up, so hop on board (my scooter) soon!

But wait! There's more! Besides raising money for an amazing organization there's a really big reason I wanted to do this: the team name. We are going to be the Libby Loggers! Cuz we'll be logging the miles/kilometers! And also because the high school mascot in the town Libby was named after is called the Libby Loggers, so how fun is that? And we may just provide some Libby Lagers after the race too, because how extra fun is that play on words? (100% credit goes to my brilliant hubby for that one!)

So please join our team or, if you are busy living on the other side of the country, we would love any donation you could make to our efforts. Thank you so much! http://www.firstgiving.com/team/328234

You Will Understand

Facebook post from May 12, 2016

It's been 10.5 months since my little girl Libby died. So many things to say without knowing what to say. Obviously life will never be the same again for any of us. And while we have definitely seen God at work in all of this, sometimes my broken heart just selfishly wishes that there could have been a different plan for us. But I am so comforted knowing that one day all of this will make sense. In heaven His plan will be revealed and its perfection will be obvious.

Sharpie marker on washi tape. The tab is made from the hem of her jeans. Just one more way of incorporating her in my bible.

Sunflowers

Facebook post from April 21, 2016

Do yourself a favor and go plant some sunflower seeds! It's not too late! Last summer I planted a packet of expired seeds and absolutely nothing happened. Turned out the soil was really off from the pool filter getting rinsed in there, but no more! Those old seeds just bided their time, and this spring we were surprised with a forest of sunflowers! Such a strong happy flower.  

There's also some lovely lesson in there about how we are always planting proverbial seeds but we don't always get to see the growth right away, but I'll let you mull on that one independently. 😉

Life on Two Wheels

Facebook post from April 13, 2016

Further proof that our kids are going to be ok despite their parents! 

A whole lot of things slide through the cracks around here. This is not a new thing. My kids, 8 & 11, woke up yesterday morning still not knowing how to ride bikes. Embarrassing. So many reasons why this hasn't happened yet, but it's one of those things that leaves a parent feeling like they've dropped the ball somehow. 

Well, Kaia, realizing that self-initiative has its benefits around here, has been trying to teach herself to ride a bike the past week. I was watching her try over and over to get push-off initiated. She was not having much/any success. I left for 15 minutes to go pick up Max. AND WHEN I CAME HOME SHE WAS RIDING HER BIKE UP AND DOWN THE STREET! Whaaat? It seems the magic came from the gentle downhill slope of our neighbor's driveway that gave her the needed momentum. (Denis just makes everything on our street better, now even bike riding apparently. It's no wonder my kids call him the lord of the neighborhood.) Well, Max wasn't going to let his sister have all the fun. So he got on her little bike and once he got the Denis Driveway Magic, he was riding a bike too! 

So you're welcome kids, for the gift of discovering what you're capable of doing when you set your mind to it. For the joy and pride that comes from that personal victory. There will continue to be things we drop the ball on. And there will be lots of times where we make sure we don't drop the ball (and some of those times it'd be ok if we did drop the ball). This parenting gig is tough. We do the best we can, knowing what we know, and being who we are. But you are each pretty great, all on your own, independent of anything we've done for you. God made you your own special person, but it sure is great getting to watch your ride. 

Comfort Zone Camp

Facebook post from April 10, 2016

This weekend Max and Kaia got to go to Comfort Zone Camp. At home we'd call it grief camp for short, but believe me, there is so much more than just grieving to this camp! It's for kids who have lost a parent or sibling, and they get to come here and share and play and have this magical weekend with other kids and loving mentors who truly get it. I know we are only beginning to see the great impact this camp weekend has had on them and I'm just so grateful that organizations like this exist! Www.comfortzonecamp.org

Brain Fog Follies

Facebook post from March 31, 2016

One of the "perks" of grief/trauma is that your brain doesn't work the way it used to. Brain fog, they call it. Suddenly your brain becomes this thing you can no longer rely on to remember important things (worse than the normal age-related stuff). Kurt and I could make a pretty funny list if we wrote down all the stupid our brains have gotten us into over the past nine months. 

Here's my latest: a couple months ago I bought tickets to fly home to Virginia since my sister Grete was going to be in town from Switzerland. (Yay!) Lately my dad has been all up in my business wanting my flight info so he can pick me up from the airport. But for some reason, I couldn't find the email with my flight info. (I couldn't even remember what airline I had purchased my ticket on. Again, the little things that would be helpful in mental retention.) I also couldn't find any bills for said flight. I went back to kayak and determined, based on departure time, that I had purchased my ticket with American Airlines and gave them a call. Except I apparently had somehow not purchased said ticket. I know for sure I went through the motions of buying it, but I somehow missed an important Confirm button along the way. This is not what an emotionally-unstable woman should discover two days before her (supposedly) scheduled date of departure. By the grace of God, the same ticket I thought I'd purchased is not too astronomical now- once I apply for the airline credit card to get their added discount. But now as I make my purchase I am hyper-vigilant. The internet will not get the best of me again! So once I'm confident that I've made my purchase, I go about getting ready for the day. I check my emails. All sorts of welcome emails etc from American, but...no ticket confirmation! And my account shows no travel booked! Ah ha! It's them, not me!! Such vindication! So I go and purchase my ticket for the seemingly third time, making sure that I see travel has been booked. Once I'm confident there's nothing more I can do, life can go on. About an hour later, while out with the kids, I check my email and there are my confirmations. Yes, plural. I had now double-booked myself on the same flight. I won't bore you with the number of calls it took to get that straightened out. It was a big number, I just can't remember it.
The other perk of grief/trauma, at least for myself, is that I've gotten more perspective on what is actually worth getting really upset about. There were certainly tears initially, but even before I knew I'd be able to replace the ticket, there was some acceptance of the situation. There is a lot of frustration of not being able to trust my brain fully, but it does help me more than it fails me. By a landslide. And at least I'm able to look back on things like this and laugh about it. In the grand scheme of things, this is the little stuff. I don't want to have to take everything too seriously.

Update: As soon as I had posted this little gem I saw that I had a couple new emails. Went and checked those and, lo and behold, there are TWO requests for me to check in for two different flights tonight. One the flight I'd booked two days ago and one the flight I'd booked two months ago!! The flight they had no record of two days ago! So I'm able to cancel my newer ticket. The benefits there are that I get in a couple hours earlier and I don't have to sit in middle seats on both flights. There's also the added benefit of knowing I'm not totally crazy. Just disorganized with a memory like Swiss cheese.

Give Thanks in Everything

Facebook post from March 28, 2016

A little doodle with big meaning. Today is nine months since we lost our Libby. 

These words make so much sense to me, at least on a logical level. Yet I'm certainly not in a place of giving thanks for everything. I may never be this side of heaven. But I have seen God do so much good, so much healing over these past nine months. It's easy to be thankful for that. Without Him these months would have been pure hopeless despair. 

Over the past two weeks my grief has made a shift, and not in a good way. It's not constant, thank goodness, but it has given me a new awareness of how very deep this pain goes- deeper than I've been able or willing to go thus far. Deeper than I expected it to be. I think I kind of figured I'd been through the worst of it by now, but I'm beginning to realize that might not the case. And while that leaves me with a sense of dread over the unknown, I am so comforted knowing that I am not alone. God's got this. He's got me. He is bigger than my grief, bigger than my fears and weaknesses. He has placed the exact right people around me and my family. It is no coincidence that you are reading this. He has given us each other. And while I often feel like a leech, just thinking of myself and my own problems as I selfishly suck in all the love, support, prayers, and kindnesses I can get, I am praying that I will have awareness and willingness when it comes to how God wants to use me as I go forward. Because I know that living in His will is the best place to be. It's a place for giving thanks.

Easter 2016

Facebook post on April 28, 2016

Easter is a good day. As with other holidays this year, we just try to survive them. But the story of Easter, of us getting heaven this day, is a message so important to me- and, I imagine, to all of us who have someone waiting for us in heaven.

We also went and saw the movie Miracles from Heaven. It was often very emotional to be sitting there, watching parents watch their daughter dying. Max, sitting next to me, was often crying. (14 times to be exact. He was counting.) But I'd lean over and say to him, "Just remember, it has a happy ending." And that's just what Jesus gave us on Easter. A happy ending. The promise that all the hurt, sorrow, and pain we have now is temporary. Something more wonderful than we can imagine awaits us!

I'm Still Here

Today marks 51 weeks since Libby died. I know that number not from looking forward and knowing the one year anniversary is next week, but because every Sunday, usually while sitting in church, I remember the Sunday that she died, and mark how many weeks it's been. How many weeks since we begged the doctors to keep her alive until June 28 so she wouldn't die on her sister's birthday (June 27) and so that she could be an organ donor. We got one of the two. Libby died in our arms, as we shared funny memories about her, shortly after 12 a.m. on the 28th.

So surreal, so wrong to walk out of the hospital minus one child. As we turned in our badges in the lobby before heading to our van (with the car seat that was suddenly rendered useless), the people we passed didn't know what had just happened minutes before. Even now, no one can look at me and know the most important thing about me, that my daughter died. And isn't that true for all of us? We have to dig and discover to get below the surface of one another. We each have our own stories that are often surprising and not what one would expect. I remember listening to a fellow mom's testiony a number of years ago. I didn't know her well, but perceived her as one of those moms who just has it all together, has had a good life. Beautiful and kind, a happy loving family, organized, stylish, a strong faith, the whole package. But in high school she came home one day to find her older sister murdered by her brother-in-law who had then killed himself. I often think back on the experience of hearing her story, a story I never would have expected in a million years, and I'm reminded, once again, that there is so much more to each of us than meets the eye.

I'm always so appreciative of people who have the willingness and ability to take the time to really see and hear other people. I like being on the receiving end of that but struggle with finding the right ways to engage others. These days I'm grateful when I have the chance to talk about what I'm always thinking about. A dear friend visited me a few months ago and we were able to spend one day together. It was one of those perfect days.  One of the things she did that meant so much was that she read my Bible, the Bible I've journaled in this past year. And she didn't just thumb through it looking at the pictures. For probably close to two hours she read every word and feeling I had written in there. I can truly say my heart and soul are in that Bible and it was such an honor to have someone so interested in it, in me.

I wish there was an easy way to get to the heart and soul of people. How nice it would be if everyone came with their own book, or video that just got down to the business of who they truly are. Even before Libby died I have always been shy, unsure of what to say, what I had to offer, how to truly engage people. And now it's even more of a struggle. My brain is still not as it once was. The large majority of my thoughts are about Libby in one way or another, and I find it difficult to carry on varied conversations, even with good friends. How do I engage and learn about the people I interact with every day? Are there Pinterest pages about easy tips and topics to use in conversation so you can focus on others? Sigh. My struggle is real.

It's been four months since my last blog post. I'm trying to think about what to say to sum up that time. My absence here isn't because there was nothing worth saying. The previous posts I've done felt important, experiences and feelings I wanted to record and remember, if only for myself. So many of you have been so kind, not only in taking the time to read what I write (even though brevity is clearly not my strong suit), but to also praise my writing. It's so very flattering to hear that, but the truth is, writing is not easy for me. Yes, a lot of the writing I have done this year has flowed  and been very therapeutic, but even then there's still lots of detail work in the editing which can be a lot on my brain. In short, these past months have been a time when the thought of writing a blog post just seemed very intimidating and exhausting. I went through a pretty bad episode of depression as well. Everything in life felt overwhelming. The really bad days, which previously had never been more than one at a time, were now much more consistent and it was increasingly difficult to maintain a good mood. Everything was overwhelming and hard. Everything irritated me, especially if it was said or done by someone to whom I was married. And my sweet husband, he put up with me beautifully, stepping up and filling in all the areas I was leaving empty.

Grief mixed with depression was a whole new beast. I described it where Grief is your bad roommate. You don't like them, but you've gotten used to them, you know their habits, and generally what to expect. But then all of a sudden their evil-er twin shows up and everything is different and you have no idea what to expect, only you know none of it will be good. That's grief plus depression and let me tell you, it bites. I met with a new doctor and after 15 minutes of talking to me she suggested I see a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. And in the meantime she would just write me a prescription so I could get started on something right away. Excuse me? I was a bit shocked. This was a doctor who had gotten many of my friends off of their anti-depressants. And she had just met me! How could she know after a brief conversation with me? It's not like I sat crying in her office (well, not much anyway). I was still able to get out of bed. I got the basics done. Where do you draw the line to say what's grief and what's depression? I recounted this to my therapist who knows me. To my surprise she also applauded the suggestion of  medicating me. Well, I started on the meds and things just got worse. Another month, another medication, but still things continued to worsen. My therapist sent me back to my psychiatrist immediately. He didn't  change the medication but upped the dosage a bit. I'm telling you, after one full dose, I woke up like a new person. It was amazing. It was as if the final number of the combination had clicked into place and the vault was opened, with the treasure being my sanity, getting my self back. All of  a sudden life, my emotions, my family, were all bearable. I could still feel sad and cry and grieve, but I could also be happy and experience joy and take interest in life again. To see how my brain reacted to the medication, it was clear there was a chemical imbalance going on. How grateful I am to live in a time where there are treatments when our bodies can't fully regulate themselves and need a little assistance.

So I'm doing better now and that is such a relief. I didn't have any clear direction as I sat down to write tonight, but I thought I just needed to get something down, for my own well-being so I can show my brain it's not as bad as I make it out to be. I know I'm all over the place here and I know when I post it there will still be typos and and it won't be very tightly written, but it will be written and sometimes it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. There's accomplishment in simply doing something, finishing something.

So tonight, after just one round of proofreading (instead of at least three), I'm calling this done. This was a good warm up for me, because with the impending anniversary, there are more, harder things to write. Maybe my brain will start believing it's not so hard. Or maybe I will realize I can do hard things and sometimes just getting through it is hard enough and I don't need to expect more than that.