The Ache of the Details

Even with Halloween upon us, it's the images from this little Easter video that have been sneaking into my brain and breaking my heart this week. Her precious little pigtails. The little arm squeeze thing she does out of excitement. That beautiful, beautiful smile. 

It's so much easier to keep her general. I can do that and it doesn't hurt too bad. Or at least not as bad as it should. It's all those details, all those little things that made her so real, so ours; that's what makes me crumble.

Birthday Balloons

On Libby's second birthday, October 4, I woke up to the sounds of a downpour. Never mind that we had 200 balloons ready to launch or a trip to the beach planned for that day. When you live in drought-ridden southern California, you can't help but be happy about the sound of anything wet falling from the sky. Plus, Libby herself would have been thrilled with the rain, running out to jump in puddles with Max and Kaia until she got tired and would then just plop her diaper butt right down in the middle of one. So while I knew the rain meant we wouldn't be in the field as planned for the balloon release, I was content as I did my morning devotion to the sound of the rain. As one would expect in this part of the country, the rain didn't last long and we were left behind with a cool, gray day, which was a nice break from the high summer temps we continue to have well into October. We got ourselves ready, added jackets, packed the car, and headed to church.

Your daughter should be with her family on her second birthday. There's no way around that. Heaven is wonderful beyond imagination, and God's faithfulness continues, but even knowing these things does not take away from my human heart wanting my daughter here.with.me on her second birthday.

We were not supposed to be doing a party today. I had done the obligatory big first birthday party. Not so much because I wanted to, but because I had photographic evidence of doing them for Max and Kaia and didn't want my third child seeing such a blatant example of how the later children get short-changed. (Of course, now I am ever so grateful I did that party. I loved it, we have great memories from that day. I didn't know it would be the only party I would get to do for her.) No, I thought of second birthdays as the sweet spot between the first birthday and the third or fourth birthday. They haven't started preschool yet, so don't have a bunch of friends to whom to send reciprocal birthday invitations. They don't have a frame of reference for knowing how fun parties are and how many presents there can be. No, second birthdays are meant to be small, minimal effort affairs. A cake, maybe, a gift from a doting grandparent. You really don't need more than that. But instead, Libby is having a delightful time in heaven while an amazing group of friends here on Earth plan and execute all the details for a birthday celebration she is unable to attend. Because way worse than planning a birthday party is planning one for your daughter who died 15 weeks before she turned two. Emotionally and mentally I was unable to give much attention to the details of these events and I am so grateful for friends and a community who loved us enough to make this happen and then also came out to celebrate her, letting us know she is not forgotten, but still in the hearts of many. And you know what? I loved this day. I have wonderful memories from this day. The days before were heart-wrenching and the days after continue to be challenging, but in that emotional sandwich, I'm so thankful for such a sweet filling. Let me tell you about it.

Bible Journaling

September 8, 2015 Journaling Bible Community post

Ten weeks ago my sweet, spunky, 20 month old daughter died in a drowning accident. I had started Bible journaling some the month before, but now it has become the perfect and necessary distraction and focus as my family and I go through this time of grief. I journaled this verse because this is what I think happened to me the day of her accident. The Holy Spirit gifted me with this level of faith I had not had before. It was for my benefit, for sure, but I've also seen him use it to witness to others.

The Number of Her Days

September 26, 2015 Facebook post

So God has just been quite busy showing up a lot this past week. What a gift those reminders are and how they encourage us! For some time I'd had the idea in the back of my mind to calculate the number of days that Libby had lived here on earth. It kept getting pushed back because it wasn't something that important. But then last Friday night I was messaging with a sweet friend who mentioned the 420 precious days she had had with her son Owen and that brought it to the forefront again. So the next day I found myself waiting for Kurt sans my cell phone (note to self: the more significant things in my life don't usually happen when I'm holding my phone) and I had to find some way to busy myself. I grabbed an old receipt and started tallying Libby's number of days. As I added up the final numbers, my breath caught in my throat. 629 days. That number is in my email address, it's the time my alarm is always set for, even though I could easily afford an extra 6 or 11 minutes. It's my birthday, June 29th.

I just kind of stared at the number for a while. Sometimes in this season of grief I wonder if I'm maybe trying too hard to find significance out of every little thing, constantly trying to find purpose and reason for what's happened and what is happening. But then sometimes I think you just need to give God His due! This one was just spelled out so clearly for me. Libby was (and is!) our gift! But I know she is not that just for me, or even for our family, that's what she has become for so many of you! I still hear stories of the impact that little girl of ours is having on people far and near. (And what a gift those stories are! What a treasure to be getting a small glimpse of the greater works God is up to!) 

So with that thought in my mind, it's changing how I'm approaching my daughter, my grief in this season. Because what do you say when you receive a gift? You say, "Thank You!" I'm reminded to come with a heart of gratitude. Because Libby, through God's perfect plan, has caused a tidal wave of goodness. For me personally, I am learning so much more about who God is shaping me to be and I have never felt God's presence more strongly. Some days He is just filling me up so much with His love and joy, there's no room for that deep despair that can be a valid part of our grief. That statement is not accurate for everyone who grieves though, and it's not even true within my own family. So many ups and downs, always without warning. But for where God has me right now, I am so thankful. I have the emotional and mental capacity to be there to take care of my family. As much as we hurt, we are also able to acknowledge the beauty God is bringing from these ashes.