Birthday Balloons

On Libby's second birthday, October 4, I woke up to the sounds of a downpour. Never mind that we had 200 balloons ready to launch or a trip to the beach planned for that day. When you live in drought-ridden southern California, you can't help but be happy about the sound of anything wet falling from the sky. Plus, Libby herself would have been thrilled with the rain, running out to jump in puddles with Max and Kaia until she got tired and would then just plop her diaper butt right down in the middle of one. So while I knew the rain meant we wouldn't be in the field as planned for the balloon release, I was content as I did my morning devotion to the sound of the rain. As one would expect in this part of the country, the rain didn't last long and we were left behind with a cool, gray day, which was a nice break from the high summer temps we continue to have well into October. We got ourselves ready, added jackets, packed the car, and headed to church.

Your daughter should be with her family on her second birthday. There's no way around that. Heaven is wonderful beyond imagination, and God's faithfulness continues, but even knowing these things does not take away from my human heart wanting my daughter here.with.me on her second birthday.

We were not supposed to be doing a party today. I had done the obligatory big first birthday party. Not so much because I wanted to, but because I had photographic evidence of doing them for Max and Kaia and didn't want my third child seeing such a blatant example of how the later children get short-changed. (Of course, now I am ever so grateful I did that party. I loved it, we have great memories from that day. I didn't know it would be the only party I would get to do for her.) No, I thought of second birthdays as the sweet spot between the first birthday and the third or fourth birthday. They haven't started preschool yet, so don't have a bunch of friends to whom to send reciprocal birthday invitations. They don't have a frame of reference for knowing how fun parties are and how many presents there can be. No, second birthdays are meant to be small, minimal effort affairs. A cake, maybe, a gift from a doting grandparent. You really don't need more than that. But instead, Libby is having a delightful time in heaven while an amazing group of friends here on Earth plan and execute all the details for a birthday celebration she is unable to attend. Because way worse than planning a birthday party is planning one for your daughter who died 15 weeks before she turned two. Emotionally and mentally I was unable to give much attention to the details of these events and I am so grateful for friends and a community who loved us enough to make this happen and then also came out to celebrate her, letting us know she is not forgotten, but still in the hearts of many. And you know what? I loved this day. I have wonderful memories from this day. The days before were heart-wrenching and the days after continue to be challenging, but in that emotional sandwich, I'm so thankful for such a sweet filling. Let me tell you about it.

Photo credits to Amy Salessi

After church everyone started gathering on the patio area. It was still gray and chilly, but the rain clouds were gone. There was some discussion as to where the balloon release should happen since the intended field was too muddy from the morning's rain. The patio area where cake and the rest of the celebration was set up was canopied by trees. So when the time came and the balloons were handed out, we headed toward the parking lot. Anthony, our children's pastor who was integral to walking our family through all the hours in the hospital, welcomed everyone, spoke about Libby, and said a prayer. After the Amen! it was time to release our balloons. And in those minutes right before the release, the clouds parted and the sun came out to shine down on us. (I actually got hot and wanted to take my jacket off!) So with the sun shining and the breeze blowing just as God commands it, Libby's balloons drifted off to the north, rising right over the cross structure near where we stood. 

Photo credit to Chrissy Kee

If it had not rained that morning, we would have been in a different area that would not have created this iconic-to-me image of Libby's birthday. How present God was in all of it! By the time we walked back to the patio area the sun was again behind the clouds and it was chilly once more. About a month before, a friend, who had no idea about our family's desire to do a balloon release for Libby's birthday, felt called by God to get us a helium tank. Oh my goodness! My shock to see how a God who loves us so much would show His presense through something like a helium tank sitting by my front door! In the enclosed note she also wrote, "Don't worry about letting them go into the environment. God assured me, He will catch each and every one and give them to Libby." And indeed, God truly did seem to open the heavens for us that day.

Photo credit to Chrissy Kee

Despite the chilly temps and gray skies, our family was also committed to going to the beach on Libby's birthday.We had only taken Libby to the beach twice. Once as a newborn:

and once this past spring when we spent the day visiting her aunt in Long Beach. Oh, how thankful I am we made that trip! Initially, she was very unsure of the whole concept of sand, but she quickly got over any concerns she may have had, because there was no way she was going to sit with Mom while Max and Kaia played. Before long we headed down to the water's edge, and what a delight it was to be with her as she was discovering an ocean for the first time! She stood there at the water watching the waves. As they came in she clapped gleefully for them. When they left she worried that they weren't coming back and used her little hands to say "more" in sign language. For over an hour she was entranced, becoming more daring as she'd put more and more of her toes into the waves and then laugh when the receding water would try to pull her off her feet. I'm so thankful I got to see how much she loved the ocean, what pure joy that brought her, and that was why, for her birthday, we would be going back to the beach, regardless of the weather.

The kids, for whom hope springs eternal, put on their bathing suits, topped with the sweatsuits on which Mom insisted. I wore long pants, long-sleeved shirt, lightweight sweater. I had my heavy sweater and Uggs packed in the car. I was quite pleased with myself. The entire way there the car thermostat said it was 67 degrees outside. But when we got out of the car in Newport Beach, we knew that was not the case. No two ways about it, it was hot! The sun was out, there was a slight breeze, and it was an absolutely perfect beach day. I was already sweating as I trudged across the sand to our group of friends. I was thinking, this is what I should have expected from God with the way He'd been handling the day's weather! Oh ye of little faith! Everyone was going off to buy swimsuits, t-shirts, and boogie boards, ourselves included (thank goodness for all the end of season sales!) It ended up being one of those perfect days. We ended our time there by putting a lei (handmade by a sweet friend) and flowers into the waves. I shared the verses that had been on my heart that day. Part of it was from Matthew 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." This verse has taken on new meaning as of late. Heaven always seemed like a pretty sweet deal, of course, but now it has a much more weighted importance. My bonus treasure is already there waiting for me. A piece of all our hearts is already in heaven. One of the small silver linings of losing a child, at least for me, is that your fear of death is gone. I am thankful for each of the days God has ordained for me on this Earth with my family, but when my days are up, I am going to cry with joy at being able to hold my little Libby again!

Photo credit to Chrissy Kee

On the way home we had to make one final stop. No Orange County beach trip is complete without a stop at Joe's Italian Ice. Our oldest friends (who, ironically, are actually our youngest friends) were with us, as they have been on so many other occasions. Joe's has the best ices and soft serve. Their ice cream was actually Libby's first solid food since Daddy snuck her little tastes at the ripe old age of about three months. We had wanted a day that not only honored Libby, but that she would also have wanted to be part of, and it truly was a day she would have loved. Every part of  it would have brought her so much joy! We give deep, heartfelt thanks to all the friends who made it possible. Thank you all for giving us the gift of this day and these memories.

There is an amazing photographer who God brought to our lives (along with her brother and sister) the day of Libby's accident. She has been there in some extremely painful, though holy, hours. On this day she shared her talents with us again for what was certainly a more joyful occasion. Here are the amazing photos she took at the balloon release (code 3947 if you want to download any). And even though she asked for no credit for her work on behalf of Libby, if you would like her to do your family photos, you can contact her here. You will not be disappointed!